The louder you yell the less I care.

OK ........Non traumatic back pain does not justify yelling at the top of your lungs. Telling your parents your back pain is going to get worse if they don't give you what you want goes so far beyond violating rule #1 its hard to understand. When you top it off by screaming at the top of your lungs at your dad to call 911 to prove how bad of a father he is you cross the line from just being a douche bag to being the actual hose that comes with the douche bag. Your attention getting behavior is pathetic. As a 25 YO woman you should know better. For the record the next time you decided to feign back pain to hurt your family remember that the more you yell the less we care.

"MY ENGRISH NOT SO GOOD"

Last night was the night from hell! 13 Calls 10 transports in 12 hours or something close to that! HOWEVER!!!!! every turd has it's bright spot! Fortunately last nights had two. One Im going to let go. She was really sick so she gets a pass the other not so much. We get dispatched to a liquor store in the heart of darkness for an assault (I know big surprise). As I walk in the fire medic and the police are looking at our pt in absolute exasperation and disgust while this dill hole "Pt" continues to ring up customers! Clearly this is a set up for some really funny shit! This guy for the third time in two weeks had chased people out of his store because they pissed him off. Not because they had stolen anything! He just doesn't like a particular ethnic group. Every friggin time he chases someone out of the store he gets his ever loving ass kicked LOL! The poor medic from the fire department is trying to asses this guy while he rings up a line of untermench who are getting their nightly ration of ripple and yelling at mock five in a combination of Korean and engrish! "Sir did you pass out when you were hit?" "NO I NO PISS OFF" What? No sir did you pass out? "I NO FUCKING PISS OFF. YOU NO SPEAK ENGRISH?" OMFG! REARRY! LOL! After ten minutes of this the cops had finally had enough and blocked the guys shop door. At this point the guy went ape shit. "YOU NO CROSE MY DOOR!" Fuck you pal you called us! You're getting assessed ghetto style! You just cant make this shit up. It's what makes nights last last night bearable. That and having a partner thats worth her weight in gold!

SHAME

WANTED FOR DERELICTION OF DUTY

GEN N SCHWARTZ

The Air Force is clearly not an organization that deservers ANY respect. When I saw this photo on Fox I literally became ill. How dare you motherf*#kers! When I was 18 months old my father came home from Vietnam in one of those caskets. Since then Iv'e seen numerous buddies put in them or come home in them. Guys that gave there lives while you ass holes sat on a ramp somewhere making a joke out of their sacrifice. FUCK YOU! You put service members remains in landfills. You mix up bodies. Please explain what it is that you ass holes have done right. YOURE A DISGRACE to the men and women who have given their lives. If General N. Schwartz had any integrity he would at the minimum resign in disgrace. You sir have presided over the most inept handling of service members remains in recent memory. You should be ashamed of the conduct of the men a women under your command. YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THAT CONDUCT! You're in command it's a direct reflection of YOU and your clear lack of any respect for the guys that are slugging it out everyday rather sitting at a desk at the joint chiefs. You should be relieved of command and sent packing along with every son of a bitch in this picture.

Gen Schwartz

HEY SIR! Heres what your guys are saying about this. Why is it that the majority of them don't have an issue with it? Big joke.....funny stuff right sir? I hope to God you never have a family member treated the way your men have treated others.

http://www.afforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=38975

airmen with casket

Ok this is just retarded. Jeep apparently has just released a Jeep based on the call of duty game......... I don't event know where to go with this. This is right up there with Harley Davidson trucks. ITS A FU#@*#G GAME! If your life is that wrapped up in Call Of Duty you have issues. I will grant you it's a fun game but Jesus Christ you might as well put a sign on your car that says "I live in my moms basement and have never been laid". While you clearly have the money to buy one of these you don't have the pride to not be caught dead in one. Clearly a violation of rule #1. And people wonder why the world laughs at us. Common guys really?

NURSE (A verb that means to suck) The street lights are on does your mom know where you are?

Now before you go ape shit understand this is aimed at the verb thats been proudly serving in the ED since around 2:00 pm TODAY. As my partner and I unloaded the third drunk of the evening in one of the local ED's one of the new RN's who looked about 8 years old walks up in a state of complete indignation and states "why didn't you take him to detox?" This was promptly followed by "I notice that your patient is not in a c collar". Ok Clara Barton why don't you take a Quaalude or 15 with this cup of shut the hell up. If you have taken the time to listen to the report you would have caught the fact that the pt was unable to ambulate without assistance. not that that would have mattered to you since you have no idea what the detox criteria are in this town ( able to ambulate W/O assistance, a pressure of less then 180 and a BAC of less then 300). Second of all we transport the afore mentioned douche bag once a day. The pt has CHRONIC lateral neck pain. If you had more then 20 minutes in the field you would understand why the pt was not in a c collar and know enough to keep your mouth shut! After 18 years of doing this it never fails to amaze me how new people to EMS / emergency medicine think they are going to re invent the wheel. I don't know maybe its just me being a grumpy old fart. You would think when the grizzled old Paramedic walks into the room looks at the doc and say's "Hey Bob same story different day. No trauma or new complaints from this morning. Vitals are yada yada yada" The brand new verb would pick up on the fact that these two people have done this once or seven hundred times over the same pt and have a first name working relationship. Maybe just maybe theres some trust there. Maybe just maybe that Paramedic thats been doing this since you were shitting your pants knows what he's doing. But what do I know you clearly have figured out all the answers in your 2 hours on the job. By the way the street lights are on does your mommy know where you are? This post has been edited for length and content! LOL

Rule #1

Everyday life is really pretty simple. As George Carlin in his infinite wisdom explained, you don't really need the 10 commandments. Clearly you can simplify that list dramatically. I like to call it rule number one. All of the others can be summed up with this simple rule.

RULE #1 DON'T BE A DOUCHE BAG

If you need any kind of clarification on this you have already violated the rule.

Absolutism

Ok its been a while since I chimed in. Would someone please tell me when absolutism replaced the rule of reason. It's just fucking unreal. No one has any tolerance for any kind of opposing views. It's their way or no way. People would rather club each other over the head like baby seals rather then LISTENING to another viewpoint. We now live in a society where a woman will beat the snot out of another woman over the barney banjo they are arguing over. Yes this actually happened.......You just cant make this shit up (I ran this call! More to follow on this). As an example a guy will post a video of the Patterson Bigfoot film on you tube and the next thing you know people are going at it to the point that they are blasting each others religion. REALLY!!!!!! I mean come on. You're really going to hurl insults over Bigfoot? WHO cares one way or the other. Is it real? Hell I don't know! It could be, then again it might not be. It certainly has not been proven beyond a doubt thats for sure. I am relatively sure that regardless of wether it's real or not it's not going to pay my mortgage. HOWEVER..........I wouldn't argue with Bigfoot if he offered to! I can say this. Iv'e met guys who I consider to be honest people that say they have had face to face encounters with one. Guys who really have nothing to gain and everything to lose by making that kind of claim. The bottom line is each person needs to decide what they believe in without the fear of some douche wagon passing judgment on their existence. Hey buddy whats that in your eye? OH SHIT IT'S A PLANK! For the love of God don't be such an asshole. If you disagree with someone just say so. You don't have to engage in the practice of personal attacks. If you want to vent your spleen on any given subject start a blog! Later this weekend KHARMAS A BITCH.

Happy Easter WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh by the way....Happy easter from the easter chimp.

New uses for the word chicken

As in all good sea stories I'm going to start this one with "This is no shit!" SO....................This is no shit. We are standing in this young mans living room post his calling 911 for chest pain. This 25 Y/O non helmet wearing special person is being assessed by hose B the fire man. After claiming to be in 10 out of 10 pain (this is the normal answer for the record.) the "pt" decides that he does not require transport to the hospital. This is received with the same resigned expression that all retards get (I don't mean mentally challenged people that have a handicap through no fault of their own.). Well sir you could be having a cardiac event..........The only way to positively rule that out is by looking at your cardiac enzymes with blood work.......yada yada yada (read with full on Ben Stiller affect). Not that anyone in the room is under any illusion that Cro-Magnon man here has any idea what an enzyme is. It's hard to understand the kings english when you have the chromosomal DNA of a mule deer. Having told the afore mentioned productive member of society all of the required disclaimers that accompany any field refusal he looks up at us and says "I wuz in da South Dakota and the Doctor told me I have the chicken gristle on my ribs". Excuse me? Did you just tell me you have "the chicken gristle on your ribs?" What the fuck does that mean? No really....... Im serious I want to know what the fuck you're talking about. Are you talking about costal chondritis? What is the ICD 9 code for chicken gristle on the ribs? Is that truly a differential diagnosis? And while youre answewring these questions sir is this by chance your car? Because they come in all colors.

If the Shoe Fits.........

Ok,

Who the fuck names their kid Allegra? Yes I know it means happiness. It's almost as stupid as "Quadleesha". No I'm not making that up. It blows my mind how some parents will condemn their child to at least 18 years of torture because they think a name is cool. I knew a guy all through elementary and high school named Toby. Maybe you can pull that off if your last name is Keith but as a little kid in the central US it's a curse. That poor kid got screwed with non stop. "Are your parents black etc? What's your name boy?" Once again it was not a time when anyone gave a shit about being racially sensitive or at least pretended to. It seems the closer you get to the center of a city the stranger the names and spelling gets. I mean Shonquea? What the fuck is that? Do they mean Shanequa? Did I even spell that right? I mean whatever happened to names like Sarah, Kim or Beth? I mean why do people spend so much time trying to be different and then bitch when they get treated differently? I mean what the fuck? If you walk around like a circus freak don't be surprised when people treat you like one! Has anyone ever stopped to think that we are Americans first? You're not a Mexican, African, German or whatever American. YOU'RE AN AMERICAN for christ sakes! Maybe if people would spend a little less time and effort proving how different they are we would all realize how similar we really are. It's bullshit. Just be an American and stop sucking the tit of society.

Well F*CK!

Well this is how it happened..................

Adam and I put the bike on the lift to replace the front end. All was well, we got the springer put in place and were lowering the bike when it came down faster then expected! The bike fell off the right side of the lift onto the floor of the garage and dented the right side of the tank. At least no one got hurt. Adam and I looked at each other and kind of grinned. No one hurt! No foul! We have a spare tank so its not a huge deal. Thank God it didn't crack the manifold or worse! On the bright side the springer front end is bad ass! Next is the custom seat, sissy bar, Weber carb and jockey shifter. Sled to hell indeed!

New Shovelhead!

Ok so here we go! Picked up my new shovelhead this week. Holy shit this bike runs like a raped ape! It's 80 cubic inches of pure kill me! Of course I got it home and one of the brothers and I started tearing into it. I'm stunned at some of the half assed crap the previous owner did to it. Fixing em one by one however and will be on top of it by the end of the week (film at 11). I will be posting some funny dumb cop stuff later in the week check back!

YES HE'S A PT....I KNOW HE'S DRUNK...........

As I sit here 0212 synching the IPhone and Ipad wishing "E" was home I can't help but think what a twisted place this is. On one hand new doors open everyday on the other hand God slams one in your face to wake you up. Just when you think you have it down you realize you don't. After a certain amount of time working the streets as a paramedic you realize that you will make very little difference regardless of how hard you work. The reality of EMS now is 50% to 60% of your pt load is transients, drunks, street drug addicts and seekers. We all know this is nothing new. What is new is the change in attitude regarding these pt's. Yes I called them pt's. I know deep philosophical breath............. The trend now in the ER's as well as pre hospital is to just medicate, transport and get them back out the door as quickly as possible. It's a process as complicated yet simple as the Ocean conveyer belt. Without it the system dies. Critically ill pt's don't get the expedient care they need due to congestion. Don't get me wrong they get care but it's not what it could be. The reality is we focus on expediting the drunks etc. so we can just do our jobs. We call it customer service. Keep these people happy and quiet and they make less of a scene and can be moved quicker. Standing orders for dilaudid for ANYONE if they request pain med's. Ativan to keep the drunks from seizing call em clinically sober (They can walk at 300) and ship em to detox. Detox discharges them the next day, they self medicate to stop the withdraw and call 911 from the pay phone outside Mrs. Fields cookies! No shit that's the phone of choice right after just lying down on the sidewalk and telling some well meaning dolt with a cell phone they have chest pain. It's a constant cycle that's been going on for years. On one hand ya can't blame a guy who is going through withdraws for self medicating with booze. It's a horrible experience. One I wouldn't wish on anyone. Something I could never have understood until this weekend. I was admitted to the hospital with a respiratory infection that was causing hypertension at a biblical level. 200+ systolic pressures (140 mean) and SaO2's in the mid 80's. Having all kinds of issues being the dysfunctional paramedic that I am they decided to smoke my bags with Solu Medrol and Ativan. They did this non stop for 36 hours. Don't get me wrong I was going ape shit and told them to please sedate me. What I didn't need was 2mg of Ativan q 4 on top of 125 of Solu Medrol Q 4 with a little MS thrown in for good measure! HOLY F&CK!!!!!!! Well two days later things are looking up from a respiratory standpoint and it's time to thing about sending Scott home. Now common sense would state that you wean the poor bastard that you've just done this to off of this stuff. Not so much. Packed me up in a daze and sent me home after my wife had begged them to start cutting the dosing and been ignored. By the time the half life of the Ativan came into play I was climbing the fuc*ing walls. I can honestly say that it was one of the worst experiences of my life. 20 + hours of hell. Keep in mind Iv'e never withdrawn from ANYTHING! Not really a drinker and don't do any kind of recreational drugs at all. I have a whole new understanding of the hell those people are in. Regardless of wether it's self inflicted or not it's still a living hell. I guess thats what it took for God (or whatever imaginary man you prey to) to get me to open my eye's.

Now that aside I still laugh my ass off at how stupid people think we actually are. So this dip shit and his buddy are driving down the street when his crank enabling partner starts to no shit seize! Being the socially responsible citizen he is, he pulls over and calls 911. Drags his buddy out onto the side of the road and closes the car door. Less chance of anyone seeing the meth in the car that way or ending up with a corpse in the passenger seat that's going to be a trifle hard to explain. Enter the paramedics. Get out of the bus and here's this guy that's actually postictal, incontinent and has chewed the hell out of his tongue (not some fibro frump pseudo seizure attention getting bull shit). So while starting to work on getting this guy going I look at his "friend" and ask "what were you guy's doing when this started.....any kind of recreational drugs etc?" Now if you're in the business so to speak you get this. I don't give a shit what you've done just tell me so I can figure out how to try to fix it. "Oh no sir we don't do that stuff" through his grey rotting grill someone might mistake for dentation. This guy's D stick is 101......well shit thats not it. Go fishing through the guys pockets and find the bottle in the picture above. He's has the nerve to look me in the eye and say "I did't know". REALLY! So as the pt is beginning to come around and we begin to get some actual history this guy's absolutely denying doing any kind of drugs. When confronted with the bottle his response was (no shit I love this) I cut my aspirin up with a razor and snort it. Refused to cop to the crank regardless of the fact. What a jack wagon. Oh well get on the conveyer belt ya douche bag thats a violation of rule one and two in the same sentence.

ARE YOU F*&CKING KIDDING ME!

Ok if you're a fireman don't take this personally. I have had quite a few less the stellar experiences with some of the medics that work for the local fire department. To be fair I'm sure they can say the same about us. God knows we have our share of morons. What I have a serious issue with is guys that just don't seem to get it. I will give you a few of the ones that stand out over the last few months. 25 ish female at work having "Grand mal seizures" for the benefit of her co workers. 30 to 40 second thrash fest followed by 5 to 10 minutes of immediate lucidity and talking. I know, I know what you're thinking. this pt is clearly an undiagnosed fibro frump. Hell you're probably right! After a very dramatic unassisted walk to the cot the fire medic leaned over and said "what do you think about 5 of valium?" My response was predictable. "Why the f#*k would you want to do that its not a seizure"? His response "I don't know we ran a girl that presented just like this. She had a helmet and seizure dog" ARE YOU F%#KING KIDDING! Well then by all means medicate her! A few hours later I returned to the same ED and asked how things turned out. Completely normal EEG and labs. What your not surprised? The best part of this story came three weeks later when his Lt played the "I followed up on that pt" game and tried to tell me it was a real seizure. Ok sir.................If it makes you feel better so be it. Fast forward to a week ago. We ran a 4 year old who actually had a diagnosed seizure disorder. The poor kid was postictal and presenting differently then he normally did post seizure (mom was clearly well informed on the pt condition). The same Lt / medic rode in with us. He neglected to do a D-stick (My student insisted on the D-stick which was normal) and refused to start a line. Why you might ask? Well...................."I don't think we are there yet!" Hey sir..........when the f#@k will we be there when the kid seizes again?" REALLY!!!!!! I mean Jesus Christ! My dilemma is that this guy is a really nice genuine person. I actually really like him. For the record (and any firemen reading this) The guy's normally do a great job. They are not a transporting agency so they spend less time with the pt's. But for the love of God this is bread and butter shit. Kinda like the fire medic that refused to put a c collar on a GSW to the head until we had finished carrying this bone head up two flights of stairs! Ok....lets see....... we are going to strap this guy to a board but not secure his head? "I'm the Lt its my call!" Ok ma m your call indeed! But thats a story for another day.

Talk Shit Get Hit

Why do people think they can say anything they want? I will tell you why. People don't think they will be held accountable for the vomit that spews from their mouths. The people Im talking about are the assholes that yell at their windshields etc. You know the type. The standard jock douche bag that's never been in an a situation where he could loose everything including his life. He has nothing better to do then flex his own fucking mouth. Funny how the guy won't make eye contact at ya at the stop light. People who have never gone without and feel entitled to pass judgement on everything and everyone around them. People who would never say anything to you if they didnt have a car around them. Well keep talking dickhead. One day some squared away guy is going to catch up with you. In the mean time FUCK YOU!